Ambivalent Regret

I

My grandmother died today or
should
I
say
She died three days before I
had known my
sister and brother knew before
and were sure I would not want
to know or would not care: I hated her

or

I thought I hated her

When we were so young the sky
was still magic, we survived a summer
within her angry house
my fathers angry
childhood home become mine
for a while, we
my brother and I, well
It is sort of a blur now, the son
blurs the events

II

I remember too many days of rain
I remember stealing a million pennies and cookies
I remember the morning dew soaking our feet
I remember Anthony crying and looking hard at his savior
I remember wanting to be able to save us
I remember how hard the cars shook our earth
I remember the dead wolf howling, warning us

I remember that no one knew we
were gone, they just knew we has stolen
the pennies, so they tore apart our space, and found
nothing, we tossed the pennies on the side of the road
to save our skin

III

If I told my father what would he say?
if I was speak to him again
after
years of estrangement, would he
listen?

what now then, what
now
then

If my hate for grandmother, has died
has a part of me died?

I think I
must speak with my father
I must speak with my father
Will I speak with my father?